AbrahamWanderer Kickoff

This is a work of fiction, not a Bible study. When scriptures are quoted, they will be in Courier font with the address and translation, so you can verify they are accurate. Otherwise if they are paraphrased I might add a bit of color.

The artwork is an exploration into Biblical Surrealism, as I continue to develop the style, I hope it gets better and better. Do not believe the date and time of publication, manipulating that appears to be the only way put the posts in order.

A teacher, John Comfort has been hired to tutor young Master Cohen. I am not Jewish, but for this project I started following a few Rabbis to get the inside scoop. We will begin with Abram/Abraham's boyhood in Ur and a couple Midrashim that apply. I hope you enjoy.

Noah brought three sons into the ark

I'm sure you know the story of the flood. Perhaps you have wondered if God warned the world they needed to change their evil ways. There is a Jewish Midrash that asserts He gave mankind a chance to change; they would not. At the very least the act of building an ark, a teivah, should have gotten Noah's neighbors curious. Regardless, the flood came, the ark did its job, the waters receded, the ark came to rest on dry land. The next major milestone in the journey to help humanity with God will be the calling of Abraham, and we get there via the sons of Noah.

Noah brought three sons, (Shem, Ham, and Japheth), into the ark along with their wives. Japheth is my favorite as from him come the mariners. Ham, AKA Canaan, is the bad boy. But Shem is the prize winner as Abram is descended from his line.

Abram's forefathers lived long lives compared to us today, Eber lived 430 years; can you imagine? Finally, in Genesis 11:26 we read "When Terah was 70 years old, he became the father of Abram, Nahor, and Haran." Haran lived long enough to father Lot, Abram's nephew and then he died. 

Terah, Abram's father decides to leave Ur and move to Haran, an inland city in modern day Turkey, taking Lot, his grandson, Abram and his wife Sarai with him. 

Abram's Dad, Terah the idol maker

To go with twitter.com/AbrahamWanderer

Hello Master Cohen, may I introduce myself, I am John Comfort, but most kids call me Mr. Storyteller because that is what I do. We are going to learn about the Patriarchs and then selected stories about other great leaders from scripture such as Joseph, Moses, Joshua and David so that you have a full understanding as you approach Bar Mitzvah and manhood. As we learn about these heroes of the faith, you will learn a bit more about yourself and your role. Sound good? Ready to get started?

<= = = One more thing to do on a Thursday, but I am sure my parents want me to learn and stories do not sound painful, so welcome Mr. Storyteller, what do we hear today?


It is an honor to be here Master Cohen. Today is the story of Abram the wanderer, son of Terah, a member of the all time hall of fame as we will see. When Terah Wild Goat, the Wanderer was 70 years old, the peak of manliness back in those days, he started hitting on w4m lists. He got a response from Mamayar about ten seconds after he wrote her.

 

@Terah, Roof-topping at the Ziggurat lounge. Live DJ, sun, red wine, friends and fresh hummus. What more could a woman ask for? Let's meet in real life.

In short order Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor, and Haran of whom he kept custody. All of his sons were athletic, strong willed and a bit quirky, but that was the norm in Ur.


Now Terah the father of Abram was a piece of work. Terah was wicked in that he manufactured wooden idols for a living. He used to make them from stone, but got frustrated by the amount of tool maintenance required. In fact, he was the inspiration for the poem by Jennifer Knapp: "All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone. That have crumbled like sand beneath the waves."

His shop was along one of the main paths to the shrine of the patron god of the city of Ur, the Moon-god Nannar, what we call Iraq today just past the wedded rocks, two rocks in the ocean that are connected by sacred ropes made of braided papayrus stalks. They are approached by a path along the temple, through a stone gate. There is a fountain where visitors can cleanse their hands and mouths before approaching the shrine area. The rocks are considered to represent Anu and Anata, the married founding god and goddess of the Chaldees.

The heart of the town was set apart as the Moongod's sanctuary. The great ziggurat or temple-tower was all about Nannar and Nimrod. And, although other gods had their shrines within the sacred enclosure, they were only there as attendants for the majesty of Nannar.

Terah would sit along the path carving his idols and sometimes the moon god worshipers would stop, everyone likes to watch an artist at work. Terah would answer their questions, sometimes breaking off the conversation to look towards heaven and speak, or tilt his ear as he listened to a voice, the customer could not hear. When he made a sale, which was about one out of every three persons to stop, he would wait for them to leave, open a wooden footlocker and pull out another idol that was almost finished and start carving again; when it comes to idols some people like them very old and others as fresh as possible.

Terah also had weathered ones, but they did not sell as well and the fresh ones. He did fairly well, once he staged an event where he carved a larger idol for 72 hours non-stop with a silent auction sheet. People bid sheep, goats, camels as well as money. Terah does not recall where he got the idea of fighting sleep for three days in order to carve his idols in front of passersby.

Abraham minding the idol store

Okay, I know two stories from the history of Terah's family, both involve his son Abram.

Terah once went away on a walkabout and left Abram to mind the store. To say the least, Abram was not the best idol salesman to ever walk the earth.
Terah had scarcely left Ur when a man came and wished to buy one of the idols. Abram asked him, 'How old are you?' When the man answered that he was sixty years old, Abram rebuked him, 'You should be ashamed, a man of sixty wanting to bow down to an object that is but one day old.' The man became embarrassed and left. Abram thought that was really funny, he was a student, albeit unschooled of people and knew just how to push a man's buttons.

One rainy day a cougar of a woman came to the store with a plateful of flour and asked Abram to offer it to the idols in her behalf. She kissed Abram on the cheek and lightly touched his thigh, "Maybe I can come back tomorrow with another plate". Abram thought to himself, that will never do, I have the eye of the hottest chick in Ur, I can't let this middle aged woman mess that up.

AbrahamWanderer LOL, the lady that wants me to sacrifice the bread is a cougar, hitting on me, hope Sarai doesn't pop in, tough to explain


I think some women want to be powerful, predatory even. Abram showed a lot of maturity, they say that the older woman is every young guy's dream. Anyway, Abram reasoned, if there are no idols, she will find another idol shop. He took a stick, broke the idols with a series of crashing blows, and put the stick in the largest idol’s hand.

When Terah Wild Goat returned, he demanded that Abram explain what he had done. Abraham told Terah that the idols fought among themselves and the largest broke the others with the stick.

< = = = No way! He couldn't expect Terah to be that dumb!

Yes way, in fact it is a Jewish Midrash, a particular way of reading and interpreting a biblical verse and I think it must have happened, Abram tweeted part of the event:

AbrahamWanderer UH Oh, Terah just got home, mad about the busted idols, talking about turning me in to Nimrod for judgment.

Anyway, to finsh the story. Terah said angrily, “Why do you mock me? Do idols have any knowledge? Abram then retorted “Listen to what you are saying!”
Terah burned in anger, but Abram was already becoming the fierce warrior that would one day be the most respected wanderer in Canaan. Terah considered turning his son over to Nimrod, King of Ur, Lord of Heaven, but in those days, your son was your retirement plan and Terah was no spring chicken.

King Nimrod and modern government

= = = Introducing Nimrod and modern government

Abram lucked out, though God of course, could have saved him from any fate including death in a furnace, but Nimrod Rebel was a fierce warrior and powerful king. First man in the world who had the boldness to take for himself the title and prerogative of king, in the face of the yet lingering idea of God as king. The Bible record of Nimrod is that, "He began to be a mighty one in the earth." Abram once tweeted:


AbrahamWanderer OMG King Nimrod just went down mainstreet, a thousand people in the procession, throwing SWAG, hope I get lucky http://tinyurl.com/cafuvl

King Nimrod built roads, schools and hospitals, raised and army and invented a concept known as taxation. He was a bit of a philosopher was well, I listened to him go on for an hour once pondering the inverse relationship between piety and intelligence.

Be careful to be quick to judge Nimrod too harshly, he established the might, the power, the authority, of human government, in the form of an organized State. He paved the way for the first of the four great civilizations written about in the book of Daniel, Babylon. 

Abraham's Brother Haran Dies

= = = Speed and Alcohol were factors in Haran's death

Soon after the broken idol incident, Terah's son Haran, who had been a gifted athlete at his high school, but failed to launch as an adult went out drinking and chowing down on bagels and herring with his buddies.

He then took a chariot on a wild ride through the city. Apparently he knew every curve in the road but one. He died in Ur of the Chaldeans, the place of his birth, according to police, speed and alcohol were factors in the event and he wasn't belted in or wearing a helmet. He was survived by:
• Terah, his father,
• Mamayar his mother who left Terah because he snored
• His two foxy party grrrrll daughters Milcha and Iscah
• A son who like him never really was able to make his mark, Lot
• His two brothers Abram and Nahor

After the burial, family and friends observed a seven day period of mourning. Terah's "401k account", (his sons), lost considerable value in a single night. Haran was missed and some of his friends kept putting flowers on the spot he left the road and crashed for the next twenty years.

Abram and Nahor get married to their sweethearts! Maseltoff

= = = Two wedding feasts, good thing Terah had sons


Shortly after this Abram married Sarai. Maseltoff! She was a fox, the hottest chick on planet earth, even three thousand years later, only Helen of Troy and Laetitia Maria Laure Casta can give her a run.
Nimrod himself had considered taking her as a wife, but when he approached her, his heartbeat soared so fast he became fearful his heart would explode and he would perish. The shrewd king reasoned, "Better to let this one go, than die trying to bed her".

Abram, however, had an industrial strength heart. Ten years her senior, he had grown up with Sarai, seen her when she was a cute toddler, watched her grow. By the time she was five or six, it was apparent she would grow into a lovely lady. He tweeted:

AbrahamWanderer Its official, the Tena'im is signed, Sarai is my Kallah, I'm getting married, wish Haran could see this :( http://tinyurl.com/deswfh

It was a lovely ceremony Master Cohen. When I saw her all grown up under the Chuppah I couldn't hold back the tears. Now, there is going to be one fly in the ointment. Sarai was not able to have any children, almost certainly because she had zero body fat, she's too skinny, she needs to eat something. And children, the 401k of the ancient Middle East, were vitally important.


Abram's brother Nahor, named after Nahor the elder, married Milcah, the daughter of their brother Haran. Maseltoff!

<= = = Mr. Storyteller, isn't that incest or something?

Storyteller: OK, this is one of those complicated things like birds and bees. It wasn't his sister, or mother, it was his niece. For the next thousand years or so, they are going to keep it all in family sort of, part of the process of forming the Jewish nation.

 
Let me put it like this, over the next hundred years or so, the offspring of Abram and Sarai ( we will call them Abraham and Sarah at that time) will be set apart from the pagans, especially the Canaan pagans. The far greater sin is intermarrying with said pagans.  

You may have heard jokes about the hollers of West Virginia or Arkansas where everyone looks alike, well they are not joking, I have seen it myself. However in the case of the bloodline of Abram (later named Abraham), they wanted to look alike, set apart. And the Cohens were even more set apart. Even today, you can often spot a nice boy a mile away. 

<= = = Mr. Storyteller, what about Ischah?

Storyteller: Milcah had a sister named Iscah, the Bible is silent on most of her history, but it is a popular name in Europe, so she had to do something right. Can we move on?