Road Trip to Canaan (sort of)

Happy Thanksgiving Master Cohen, did you have a fine day?

<= = = I did sir, I ate too much and took a nap, but I feel great now.

That seems to be the consensus in America on how to celebrate, eat too much and take a nap. Do you know you can spot a group of Americans visiting the Holy Land from a hundred yards away, most of the group will be overweight, even the kids. Anyway, today we have a journey in the direction of Canaan to talk about.

Terah took his son Abram, his daughter-in-law Sarai, and his grandson Lot (his son Haran's child) and left Ur of the Chaldeans to go to the land of Canaan. After traveling 600 miles of dusty desert listening to Nahor's kids ask, "Are we there yet"! They decided to stop at the village of Haran, a caravan town and settled there. All and all the entourage was about twenty people with the usual Middle Eastern nomadic collection of sheep, goats and camels, but there was plenty of space to pitch tents and water from the river Belik.

If Terah Wild Goat, the Wanderer had read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he would have known the importance of begin with the end in mind. But he was kind of in it for the journey, the experience and never actually accomplished much, so he never made it to Canaan and frankly, never cared.

Terah lived to be 205, in his last hundred years or some other large number, no one knows exactly how long he lived in Harron ( yes, in the three thousand years that have passed they added an extra r), he still sat by the path in a comfortable chair, but he no longer carved idols. Harran, if you want to sharpen your Biblical geography, was southeast Turkey, home of the mudbrick beehive house and most famous for being a global supplier of Stobrum gum, a sleep disorder treatment.

Abram thoroughly enjoyed being out of the city, his herds were prospering and Lot wasn't a bad shepherd either. Sarai seemed perfectly happy to go camping with him when they took their flocks to pasture and even though they still did not have children, they were a close couple. Abram was glad his dad was out of the idol business, that seemed a bit cheesy, kind of like selling used chariots.

Abram and Nahor get married to their sweethearts! Maseltoff

= = = Two wedding feasts, good thing Terah had sons


Shortly after this Abram married Sarai. Maseltoff! She was the ultimate fox, the hottest chick on planet earth, even three thousand years later, only Helen of Troy and Laetitia Maria Laure Casta can give her a run.
Nimrod himself had considered taking her as a wife, but when he approached her, his heartbeat soared so fast he became fearful his heart would explode and he would perish. The shrewd king reasoned, "Better to let this one go, than die trying to bed her".

Abram, however, had an industrial strength heart. Ten years her senior, he had grown up with Sarai, seen her when she was a cute toddler, watched her grow. By the time she was five or six, it was apparent she would grow into a lovely lady. He tweeted:

AbrahamWanderer Its official, the Tena'im is signed, Sarai is my Kallah, I'm getting married, wish Haran could see this :( http://tinyurl.com/deswfh

It was a lovely ceremony Master Cohen. When I saw her all grown up under the Chuppah I couldn't hold back the tears. Now, there is going to be one fly in the ointment. Sarai was not able to have any children, almost certainly because she had zero body fat, she's too skinny, she needs to eat something. And children, the 401k of the ancient Middle East, were vitally important.


Abram's brother Nahor, named after Nahor the elder, married Milcah, the daughter of their brother Haran. Maseltoff!

<= = = Mr. Storyteller, isn't that incest or something?

Storyteller: OK, this is one of those complicated things like birds and bees. It wasn't his sister, or mother, it was his niece. For the next thousand years or so, they are going to keep it all in family sort of.
Let me put it like this, in a hundred years or so, the offspring of Abram and Sarai ( we will call them Abraham and Sarah at that time) will be set apart from the pagans. At the end of the day, not counting sisters and mothers, things classified as "So Appalachian" today, were considered cool. You may have heard jokes about the hollers of West Virginia or Arkansas where everyone looks alike, well they are not joking, I have seen it myself. However in the case of the bloodline of Abram (later named Abraham), they wanted to look alike. Even today, you can often spot a nice boy a mile away. Bottom line, this bloodline was set apart for God. Jeer all you like, judge all you like, but just last week, another state in your country, Iowa, passed a teshuvot allowing same sex marriages so your culture and country isn't exactly wowing me.

<= = = Mr. Storyteller, what about Ischah?

Storyteller: Milcah had a sister named Iscah, the Bible is silent on most of her history, but it is a popular name in Europe, so she had to do something right. Can we move on?

Abraham's Brother Haran Dies

= = = Speed and Alcohol were factors in Haran's death

Soon after the broken idol incident, Terah's son Haran, who had been a gifted athlete at his high school, but failed to launch as an adult went out drinking and chowing down on bagels and herring with his buddies.

He then took a chariot on a wild ride through the city. Apparently he knew every curve in the road but one. He died in Ur of the Chaldeans, the place of his birth, according to police, speed and alcohol were factors in the event and he wasn't belted in. He was survived by:
• Terah, his father,
• Mamayar his mother who left Terah because he snored
• His two foxy party grrrrll daughters Milcha and Iscah
• A son who like him never really was able to make his mark, Lot
• His two brothers Abram and Nahor

After the burial, family and friends observed a seven day period of mourning. Terah's 401k account, his sons, lost considerable value in a single night. Haran was missed and some of his friends kept putting flowers on the spot he left the road and crashed for the next twenty years.

King Nimrod and modern government

= = = Introducing Nimrod and modern government

Abram lucked out, though God of course, could have saved him from any fate including death in a furnace, but Nimrod Rebel was a fierce warrior and powerful king. First man in the world who had the boldness to take for himself the title and prerogative of king, in the face of the yet lingering idea of God as king. The Bible record of Nimrod is that, "He began to be a mighty one in the earth." Abram once tweeted:


AbrahamWanderer OMG King Nimrod just went down mainstreet, a thousand people in the procession, throwing SWAG, hope I get lucky http://tinyurl.com/cafuvl


King Nimrod built roads, schools and hospitals, raised and army and invented a concept known as taxation. He was a bit of a philosopher was well, I listened to him go on for an hour once pondering the inverse relationship between piety and intelligence.
Be careful to be quick to judge Nimrod too harshly, he established the might, the power, the authority, of human government, in the form of an organized State. Whether you are a republican, democrat or libertarian, the roots of all three are Nimrod.